What I learned....

I learned that sometimes you pay the highest price for a beautiful mistake...
I learned that when you love someone, it stays with you, you can't hide it or bury it...
I learned that when someone says that they love you, you believe it, even when you doubt it...
I learned that there is always more than meets the eyes, when you look deep into their soul....
I learned that it takes grace and tenderness to make your heart bigger than your ego......
I learned that you can imagine a lifetime of moments that will never happen....
I learned that hearts are resilient and forgiving....
I learned that words have the ability to absolutely crush all your feelings...
I learned that saying sorry sometimes eases the pain, but you won't forget how much it hurt...
I learned that you can be made the biggest fool and yet you still love.....
I learned that eventually the memories fade.....
I learned that you once you decide to pick up your broken wings, you can fly again...
I learned that friends will always come to your rescue....
I learned that joy will come and sit next to you, if you let her.....
I learned that "child, be still" ...still calms me....
I learned that hope dies last....
I learned that I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned.....

Duh......

While at my daughter's fourth grade play, her sister ( a 2nd grader) kept pointing out a boy on stage, named Evan.

I asked, "How do you know him? Is he in your class?

She said, "Why do you think we're at a fourth play?

Her dad (my ex) was sitting right next to me and burst out laughing and I could'nt help but laugh.

Duh!

Closure.....maybe.....

I am grateful for soft, southern rain making music outside my window
I am grateful for deep, navy blue skies full of light
I am grateful for being so broken, that my heart became bigger
I am grateful that as time passes, you will become a fleeting thought with warm sentiments
I am grateful that love stays with the one you loved, you can't fold it into someone or something new
I am grateful that science can't explain how atoms and molecules dance to become people or memories
I am grateful that the pain that made me stagger, also made me pure and true
I am grateful that hearts are resilient and memories, forgiving
I am grateful that today is a new day in my universe

What marriage is.....

Dear Internets...
First, I want to beg forgiveness for the weight and sadness in my last couple of posts...it's obvious that my heart has taken a pounding and the only way that I can mend the wounds is with words that let me express what I am feeling.

I will tell you what I have learned in the past two years, I learned that marriage is cumbersome, heavy. It's fabric between two people who have a history of feelings, of understandings and misunderstandings, of accidental support, of things mourned, celebrated and forgotten. It is made up of unintentional betrayals, gracious accommodation, and it survives despite neglect and insults, because it hopes. Hopes that the affection is stronger than the neglect, hopes that the misunderstandings are forgotten. It hopes that the shared memories are stronger than the weightless echo of distractions.

Often I think about what is harder, Marriage or Parenting. I wish I would have known, marriage is harder to maintain and nourish. As a parent, you will naturally care for your child always putting them first. You will cherish and nurture them. For the majority of us, it's part of our DNA, we do it naturally. However, we chose our partner, consciously made that effort, wanted to be with them, but when daily pressures enter the picture, they are the first person we forget. We don't feed or water the relationship and it can wither away. And when that begins to happen, you hope that the shared history brings you back, that the chemistry is still alive somewhere, that the neglect did not go too far. When it does, hope.

Reasons....

...Because you've taken the poetry from my dreams...
...Because the brightest star in my sky no longer shines....
...Because shared history weighs more than an echo of an echo...
...Because I am learning how my heart behaves....
...Because my most sincere sentiment is tainted...
...Because that space is filled with regret...
...Because I cry like a child in the dark...
...Because my heart is bruised....
...Because I want joy to grow in place of the hurt...
...Because the silence paralyzes me...

Despite all this, I long for you...

Finger Afros.....

OK…so you have picture of what my life is like….

The girls get home on the bus….clamoring for ice cream cones as an after school treat…

Then, the first thing my 2nd grader says to me… (While she has one of those black foamy things that look like they go on the ear part of a doctor’s stethoscope)

“Mama…look at my finger afro”

Can life be any funnier?

How they rescue me ....plus make my belly hurt...

I have been absent for some time, I know. It seems that I have alot that's been going on but really I have been trying to find words or the courage to explain. I will get to it one day and hopefully you won't judge me.
But, today, and everyday, I am grateful for my daughters who are my personal brand of comic relief.

For example,
...my seven year old informed me that Youtube has a farting version of Jingle Bells.. (why did I SO laugh out loud? and how did she know?...they do not have much access to the old 'puter)
...school just started yesterday and the "story" about her summer included the following last sentence... "I was just screaming, not crying, while I was at it, I lost a tooth and I got two quarters" describing the epic motor scooter accident.
....I loved watching my 9 year old and 7 year old rinse dishes and load the dishwasher today...
....they then fed the dog, the cat, the hamster and the turtle.... my heart sighed....
....my oldest told me that when she grows up she "want to be just like you..when I'm that old" :)
...they can't fathom the joy when I recognize pieces of me in them

Not my proudest moment....

OK Internets... I have a confession....I yelled at a kid and told him "I will kick your a%$".

But first let me explain...

If you haven't read any of my previous posts, you need to know that I am the mother of two wonderful daughters. My oldest is absolutely "stunning", "a real beauty"...seriously..people tell me all the time. It's not just my biased opinion. :) She is also extremely sensitive, and is generally the biggest pushover I have ever met in my life. I spend a large amount of time making sure that she expresses her emotions and not let her friends take advantage of her sensitive nature.

You have to understand, I am feisty and when pushed in life, my first reaction is, push back. Over the years, I have tried to tame that tendency and pride myself on handling things with grace. Well, she has told me that a young man has been picking on her ... you know, pulling her hair, taking the ball away from her (things boys do when they like girls). I just let her know to let her camp counselors know and that they will handle...AFTER I encouraged her to stick up for herself. SO...... the other day the kid kicks her ....HARD....hard enough that her ankle was bruised and swollen. I was livid. I asked her what she did and she told me....SHE KICKED HIM BACK...I was proud...until she told me that he then kicked her harder still. Then she told the camp counselor.

I, called the camp. Please keep in mind, I do not like to be a hover parent, I want my daughters to learn to handle things on their own. But I did, I called. Filed a complaint, so to speak. The next day she comes back tells me the kid is still picking on her and she is afraid of him

Two days pass...

When I am dropping the girls off at camp, my girls tell me the car ahead of me is the car that belongs to the infamous bully who beats up on girls. When I see the boy...I go ape shit..... He is about 5' tall and looks like he weighs about 130 pounds. I am only 5'2" and don't weigh that much, clearly this is a big boy and a bully. So what do I do..... I try to wave the car down, but when it didn't slow down...I address the boy directly. I yelled, and I quote....."Hey...I am so and so's mom and you have been kicking her and picking on her...and if you don't stop...I will kick your ass"

Yep, internets...not my proudest moment... Then the mom stops and backs up her truck and asks what is going on. I pull to the side, get out of my car with all my Latina temper flaring and we get into it. I can tell that this mom is Jamaican. We're both from the Caribbean so, naturally, tempers flare. I ask her what kind of man she is raising. She tells me she hasn't heard anything from the camp counselors, but (rightfully so) tells me that I need to address things with her directly. I admittedly tell her that she is right, but if it continues, I will hold her accountable and will tell my daughter to kick her son where it counts.

Let me paint a picture. I am on my way to work...looking very executive looking, white slacks, black top, heels, you know the picturesque picture of a working mom. When all of the sudden, I am out of my car, arguing with another mom. Again, not my proudest moment...by the end of the day, I had a conversation with the Camp Director, who wanted to talk to me about the "incident" in the morning. I apologized for addressing the child, but advised him that I did not apologize for confronting the mother, and that I would do it again it the situation warranted it. In the end, I talked to my daughters and told them that is was not the way that I should have handled the situation, that I would have preferred to have things work out smoother and leave it in the hands of those in command. However...in the back of my mind, I am glad that they also see a clear example of not being afraid to push back, to defend themselves and to get loud ...if they have to. (just don't ever threaten kids younger than yourself....that's being a bully and mommy was one today)

Work....and ESC.....

So....can I tell you how I learned about ESC key? First let me tell you that I use a computer everyday at work, secondly you would think that I would have learned about the ESC key before but no....I work all day, I blog when I can, I consider myself pretty average at the computer stuff. I still have lots to learn.

So envision this, I work at a non profit, therefore, the big kahunas, especially the biggest kahuna is usually in the office and we all know when she is there. (Yes, she is a she, I'm not a feminist or anything but I love to see woman in top positions, it inspires me) I may see her rarely, like speaking to a group or the other big kahunas, but I am a middle management girl and my biggest opportunity to interact with her might be getting a chance to say "Good Morning" in the elevator. You get the picture, right?

Well, almost a year ago...(yes, I kinda remembered the date, as the day I almost "passed out" at work, or the day I could have lost my job), a friend sent me an email joke, a dirty email, the kind with moaning and grunting. At that precise moment, Mrs. President/CEO walks right up to my desk to ask a question ....and I can't stop the video....yep, folks, she was talking to me while my computer made strange sounds and I could not stop it. I tried everything, my system got "stuck", my face turned red, I blurted apologies while trying to listen to the question and find the volume control.

After gathering myself, I tell my story to a coworker that I adore. You know what he tells me, "Why didn't you use the ESC key? You know the one in the upper left hand corner of all computers" That my friends is how another friend taught me about that key and how I will forever wonder if our big kahuna still thinks I am the idiot with the moaning computer?

Hover Parenting.....

One of the biggest disparities that I see with the way I was raised and that style that is encouraged by most parents of this generation is what I call "hover parenting" or usually referred to as Helicopter parenting. Now parents don't get mad at me. I am, by no means a slacker parent, there are areas where I am totally all over my daughters and perhaps should back off. I am just talking about the freedoms that I had while I was outside playing.

The home I grew up in was near a river and it was my muse. My toys were kites, coffee beans, and frogs. Practical jokes consisted of hiding in mango trees and smashing really ripe bananas between notebooks. Today my daughters have a few pine trees in our backyard that they call the "forest". We have hung a hammock in the forest and they have created trails and designed their own wildlife refuge which consists of lizards that they have named, trapped, categorized (with a Sharpie) and set free.... I love that they do this and that they have this opportunity. Although we also participate in team sports, school activities, and Girl Scouts, most of the activities are monitored so that no feelings get hurt and complicated scenarios are handed over to authority figures to smooth over. I like that my girls can go outside and they work out any disagreements, they use their own imagination and develop an appreciation for nature around them. Now if it were only legal for them to fight over who gets to lay in the back window of the car.....